How to Stop Being an A****** Wife

Being a wife can be a tough calling. You are most likely a wife to a less than perfect human being who has a few flaws that you sometimes can’t help but point out. There are probably times you feel like you have to nag your husband to do anything, and you are constantly telling him to put his dirty clothes in the hamper rather than on the floor. You may be feeling like he turns you into a straight up B, and you are starting to lose the fun-loving personality you once had. You are tired, frustrated, and it’s a constant fight to make your husband be the person you want him to be. You feel like it’s put a huge strain on your marriage, and you aren’t quite sure how to fix him.

Well, the truth is, you can’t control what anyone else does – even if you have a state issued license stating that you belong to each other. Once you understand this, your marriage will truly become a lot easier.

Here are some things you can do to reframe your relationship with your husband:

Understand he is not on your timeline.

It’s frustrating when you ask your husband to do something, and he doesn’t jump up immediately to get it done. He’s most likely not being “lazy”. You and your husband probably have very different ideas on what is considered “urgent”. Instead, try asking and explaining why something needs to be done within a certain timeframe. For example, “Will you please take out the trash so that I can start dinner? I’ll need to put things in there while I cook, and I don’t want it to overflow.” It’s also helpful to ask him by stating that you are also taking care of a certain chore. For example, “Will you help me to vacuum the living room? We have company coming and I need to start on the dishes so that they are done before they get here.” This frames the situation differently and helps him to understand why getting this task done ASAP is important. You are not his mother, and it’s not your job or place to bark orders at him.

Explain yourself articulately.

Your husband is not a mind reader. Your husband may not always pick up on subtle hints that you drop. Even if he does pick up on a hint, he may ignore it if he feels like he’s stepping into a fight or an argument. Be direct in your communication with him and articulately explain what you want or how you are feeling. Remember that there’s a thin line between explaining yourself and blaming your spouse. Try structuring your sentences like this:

“I feel ______ when you ______.”

Avoid saying things like “You always…” or “You never…” Any statements that are absolute will get you nowhere, and your husband will throw up his defensive walls immediately. It’s an easy argument for him to win because no one is ALWAYS or NEVER a certain way.

Don’t forget to articulate positive things and say them more often. Imagine how you would feel if your husband thanked you for everything or complimented you sincerely. Pretty good, right? So why not give him the same respect? Tell him that his butt looks good in those jeans. Tell him that it makes you happy when he picks up his stuff from your bedroom floor. Let him know when you are in the mood for some lovin’. Live by the 80/20 rule in your marriage when you speak to your spouse. No matter how much they frustrate you, try to make at least 80% of the things you say to your spouse positive. Replace the nagging with thankfulness. Thank him for being a great father or for going to work even though he’d probably rather be out doing other things. Thank him for being there for you when you need it.

This can be especially hard if you are feeling underappreciated and under-loved by your husband. Remind yourself that you can only control what you do. Love and appreciation are exponential, and I truly believe that the more you give, the more you receive. I promise if you reframe your communication, things will get better with time.

Mind his ego.

This is not meant to be a condescending stab at the male ego. ALL human beings have some level of ego, and no one appreciates their ego being shattered – your husband included. My cousin once told me, “If you have the choice between being right and being kind, choose to be kind and you will always be right.” This is critical advice for your marriage. I often see wives picking at their husband’s flaws – EVEN IN FRONT OF OTHERS. Would you go up to a friend or even a stranger and tell them that they sucked at showing affection or that they needed to make more money? Probably not. So why would you say that to the person that you are supposed to love more than anyone else? You CHOSE your husband, and you need to choose every day to support him. No matter how you feel, you do not have the right to destroy someone by putting them down. This is emotional abuse and it is damaging to your spouse, your marriage, and eventually will be damaging to you.

Remember the partnership.

When you entered into marriage, you chose to spend the rest of your life with this man. He is your partner. Your actions now have a ripple effect on this person. You are now one unit. There will be times where you don’t feel like going to his family functions. There will be times where you’d much rather choose your friends over his friends. There will be times when you will want to spend money on something you know he disagrees with. Marriage is a constant push and pull – a give and take. Don’t forget to consider your husband and the impact your actions, words, and decisions will have on him.

Think big picture.

It’s easy to get caught up in the little things and blow them up. Why hasn’t he picked up his socks from the stairs? Why hasn’t he kissed me “hello” even though he’s been home for over an hour? We often let our minds run wild and make things a lot worse than they are.

“If he didn’t kiss me when he got home, maybe that means there’s a hot new co-worker and he no longer finds me attractive!” or “If he hasn’t picked up his socks, this means he has a total lack of respect for me as a wife and a woman!”

SLOW YOUR ROLL. He probably just got caught up in thoughts about work or basketball. Besides, why is it his responsibility to initiate the “come home kiss”? Girl, go lay one on him! My point is, you can pick fights about anything, but in the long run you have to decide what is worth potentially damaging your marriage over. Is it worth it for you to yell at him for not picking up a pair of socks? Is it worth it for those socks to potentially and probably blow up into a much bigger fight? No. Instead, focus on loving your spouse and articulating that love to him.

Now, I know there will be some instances where your husband is an absolute jerk, and I hope that things get better for you, sister. However, by focusing on these things, you can check yourself and make sure that you aren’t just framing him as a jerk. Ultimately, every relationship is different and you’ve got to do what is best for your situation. These are some things that helped me to reframe my relationship with my husband. It’s a work in progress, but so is every marriage. The joining together of two imperfect people.

I wish you all very happy marriages filled with lots of love!